


poetry, or whatever

by roastingflowers



Category: Original Work
Genre: Bad Poetry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Poetry, Suicidal Thoughts, i wrote this and then i cried, venting about everything and nothing at all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:41:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27620816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roastingflowers/pseuds/roastingflowers
Summary: my horribly w0nd3rful p03try
Relationships: Me/pain





	1. i am a monster.

the hallways seem to keep looping 

its a broken record, but i cant hear any music

just my own breathing, and the occasional sounds of the monsters that haunt these places i can never escape

too many doors

and the fluorescent lights hurt my eyes

humming, droning away

its so empty,

but there is something here

lurking around inside

its a maze, a labyrinth,

and i'm trying to find my way out

i don't think i ever will

i can hear the men calling out my name

i can hear the women calling out my name

i can hear the humans calling out my name

but i never want to be saved

they wouldn't know how to save

me

i don't think they're real anymore

they could be monsters 

the shapeshifters

and the lies

or maybe i'm just one of them already

consumed

i'm consumed

and they keep looking for the husk they call me

they keep looking for a daughter, a lover, a sister, a girl

they won't find her

they'll find me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by the backrooms and "she's the prettiest girl at the party, and she can prove it with a solid right hook" by frnkiero andthe cellabration


	2. Letting Go

The tears stream down his face  
Like the blood on her forehead  
Her vision is blurry  
And he watches  
As her eyes  
Stained with the sky  
Fade into ground

He tips the wine bottle to his cracked lips  
And he drinks the ashes of the fire  
That burned in the rotting pumpkin  
First the inside  
Then the out

Surrounded by rusted metal  
And the arms of plastic children  
Broken bottles  
And empty dreams  
Demons  
And angels

And they sang  
Let me in  
So I can say hello  
Let me in  
So I can let you go

Fenced in by nothing  
And everything all at one  
Love is painful  
And indifference is bliss  
There’s a nun in your bed  
And a gun to your head  
Swinging from the gallows  
A target full of arrows

Sweaty hands  
Metal man  
Light bulbs flickering  
Their gaze is sickening

Trapped in a metal cage  
Snapped by a daughter’s rage  
They came knocking  
For the lady rocking  
Out  
Down  
Down  
Down  
Down  
To you  
For you  
Straight to hell  
Straight to hell  
Straight to hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mostly inspired by "they'll come knocking" on hulu and that catholic guilt™


	3. Klaws, Violent, Sonnie

well hey there sonnie!  
i said hey there sonnie

i’ll dig my claws into your skin  
i'll leave a scar that makeup can't win  
there’ll be blood staining my ivory nails  
my talons scratch your porcelain face  
i should’ve checked if your mask was still on  
your red ribbons drift to the blood stained carpet  
i shouldn’t’ve chewed you up in your own apartment

my teeth are dogs’, i’ll never let you go  
i’ll lick your blood, as long as you lick mine  
you kick me down and call me worse than a dog  
but i could really be anything

but i let you go, but i let you go, but i'm letting you  
know i need you  
i want you  
but you don't need me  
but you don't want me  
with good reason  
no bad season  
for murder  
torture and pain!

i’m running down these alleyways  
it's just a maze  
you're a labyrinth that i’ll never escape  
a never ending cycle  
of misery and pain

my parents left my home  
replaced the void in my heart with the promise of freedom  
in about four years or so  
my fortunes in all of the wrong hands

a tranche of your skin  
is what i carry to prove my sin  
the scent of lemon squares and snickering is right behind you  
there's no happy ending in this fairy tale  
my picket fence has been mangled, left for dead  
perpetually destined for misery that never ends  
your triumphs are outweighed by the desolation  
that is your life, that is your soul, that is your heart

its a miracle your hairs still tied up  
your glasses aren't broken  
and your teeth have not begun to rot  
not broken down by the fragments of my skull  
gravel makes your fleshy gums bleed  
is it infection or just the shards  
is that spinach or a hole in your tooth  
like celery, those sticks are stuck inside your molars

you're in a never ending cycle of desperation  
gone from the top to multiple rockier bottoms  
tall lanky and pale  
you got my eyes  
the same as time  
dark circle and longer faces than this horse  
if this is a show where you never get to go  
is the last chapter about your death?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by lemony snicket's "series of unfortunate events". read it, it's awesome. (poem written sometime in 2020)


	4. married to a ghost/the ghost of you/committing ghost adultery

I am a ghost. I am floating by, haunting and pale drifting past you with the slight ripple of air and my eyes are dark and i am never there even when you knew that I was because I am trapped between this existence and the void of the unknown and I do not know how to come back because I am disconnected to this world because I am always in my own, trapped by the misery and truth that they never see behind the veil I am the bride and my groom, whom I once loved has gone and I do not know why but I surely knew I loved him but I don’t remember who he was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listened to "sex with a ghost" by teddy hyde when i wrote this


	5. somebody call an ambulance, i think i'm about to die

as i lie on a bed of roses and pansies

i'm looking at the stars

the smoke from between the fingers of time swirls around my face

you dropped me off at a funky orange motel

i'm at a party and i don't know anyone here

theres plastic red cups and bottle caps all over the floor

this guy bumped into me on the way upstairs and spilled whiskey on my shirt  
theres couples making out hand in hand and  
theres some girl hanging on to this guys shoulder and i think i should know her   
theres some dude with a lightning bolt over his left eye making his boyfriend a drink and  
theres people erratically dancing and people just eating chips

i stood outside in front of a door  
wondering if i should seek more

from a circus like this   
smells like piss  
poor decor

and i see her from across the roof   
shes swaying, dancing to a beat  
and it looks like one of two things

she and her partner waltzing to an old song on a cracked phone  
and its so magical that the stars stop to stare  
and you can see they're in love   
two people in love

but then shes dancing by herself  
to the beat of her heart   
and the song bends to her will  
shes on the edge and i want to scream   
"get back"  
but i dont because i'm mesmerized by the way that she moves with no care in the world and  
her eyes are stained with the sky   
and i want to screan  
"get down"  
but i can't  
bittersweet smiles   
cracked linoleum tiles  
its hazy this memory  
a shadow,   
a lover,  
a dau-

a shadow,  
a lover,  
a shudder,  
a daug

a SHADOW  
a LOVER  
a SHUDDER  
a RIVER  
THAT SUMMER  
a daugther

stalking around  
she could be weeping   
shes looking over the side and kicking the air  
and i walked over and asked if she had a lighter  
and she looked at me but all i saw was the earth  
and she gave me a lighter   
it was white and i lit the world on fire  
and the last thing i saw was the picture in her eyes  
the purple desert   
the line connecting the sky  
i could've sworn that i heard a coyote howl over the cracking of fire in my ears  
and we fell down three stories

the lost  
the lovers  
the freaks

but they were all the same things  
crash, burn, ruins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sinners don't burn in fire, 
> 
> 2020


	6. head over heels over the moon in love with you

i am head over heels over the moon in love with you  
i’m not over you  
i am under  
you  
(me)

lord almighty can’t take my love  
if i was one of the seven deadly sins i’d be lust and i am lost  
in your eyes  
its like dirt  
like the mud pies i used to make but i never could eat because of reasons  
like dark chocolate milk  
i hate dark chocolate and i hate bitter coffee and i am coffee

i am yours but are you mine i say  
i would do anything for you but i can’t stay alive  
i would die for you but i can’t live for you

the shackles around my wrists and my ankles  
dragging me back to the stone cold wasteland  
that i live in  
a pit of trash and dirt and glass  
i cut my thumb on

i did a bad thing a bad thing a bad thing

and im sorry

if theres any sixteen wishes here are mine  
shallow and short  
nine and seven im so sorry  
left is the right direction 

i dont really think i can breathe up here  
i've got a cracked helmet  
i don't even think i had one in the first place  
and you cut  
my heart  
like i cut  
my hair  
and it hurt  
just like the time i flew over the moon  
i was crying  
my tears floated around my head  
and i drowned in them  
im still drowning in them but its you  
and you came  
back and i never knew  
but all that i wanted  
was never far off the mark  
from what i needed  
and i love you so  
i'll never let you go  
and if i do just know that you were the first ones to pull me off the ledge  
i can see the aliens  
from up above  
and one of them started waving at me  
albeit a bit hesitantly  
and i said "hey  
i really like your flaming red hair  
but it could never compare  
to the sight of an angel from hell"  
and he knew just who i meant  
at least i think he did

i cant remember the last time  
hung up on the moon  
my lobster telephone cord  
around my neck  
curly wires and frizzy hair  
like a dog over a barrel  
im your dog  
but if you want to flip it over i'll become your god  
salt shaker black table  
you're the brightest star in the sky  
you make the stars shine in my eyes  
and i could never ever hurt me if it meant that i hurt you  
my love is blind  
gouge out my eyes  
please never leave  
least until i fall asleep  
or until i bleed out  
you know i'd do the same for you  
you know i'd do it all for you

started august 2020  
ended december 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listened to "(stay)someone out there loves you" by my chemical romance and continued this 
> 
> xoxox


	7. upstairs, downstairs, no stares

Square rectangels of sunflowers  
And your shaky hand in the porcelain sink  
A man I think I recognize from an old family photo  
Some things are misspelled for a reason

I  
Remember that time you wrote the word DRAW on your wrist  
And I did it too but I didn't know why you did that  
I understand now  
But I never wanted to you have to believe me

Is this the part where I say a really profound and poetic line?  
Well I can't, because I ran out of them years ago  
And even then I wasn't an original  
Here's one:  
You're living out your wildest dreams in my nightmares  
Ruler of everything but you can't rule me  
But you did  
But you chained my wrists together  
But you but shackles on my ankles  
But you acted like I deserved it

And now i think i do.

Don't you wish things were different?  
That you had a shorter last name  
Or a history that didn't drip from the veins  
Of someone just like me?  
I am not who I was then  
But sometimes i wish i was

All your songs sound exactly the same  
I wouldn't stay  
Another day  
If it meant I could have the freedom I crave  
But your heart aint worth breaking

Never mind all that I've said  
I'll cry about it instead  
Throw the confetti in the air  
I'll stop time and keep it in a single frame  
I curled up in your arms and imagined it was real  
I never felt so loved  
Except for that one time  
It was one time, a long time ago  
I can't even remember it  
I'll pretend  
And I'll keep pretending for the sake of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one time i threw a picture of our family on the floor and it shattered
> 
> it was never repaired
> 
> 2020


	8. hell was made for people like you

we the sinners   
and them the angels  
but we are all the same.  
who are we to live by the books  
who decided this was right and this was wrong?  
but i know you're wrong

The house of a sinner is a house like any other. Its on a street like any other. Its in Los Angeles, the City of Angels. The City of Angels. Is that right? Where angels sing, the devils hum. A droning hum. constant. never ending. and yet the angels still sing in hollywood. but the devils hum is not silenced. they are acknowledged now, so the devils are not the devils, instead they are the angels. And the angels are revealed to be devils. but sinners are not devils, they are sinners. Hell is where the angels go. Hell is where we all go.

i don't even believe in god  
and i've never felt so alone  
if there is a god  
they are a murderer  
they abandoned us years ago  
spent so many hours asking what i did wrong  
what i did to deserve the kind of screams that ripped through my throat  
it gets hard to swallow  
it gets hard to breathe  
when there's a blue-orange pill taking up the air  
i know it's still there  
it never leaves  
all the times i've wanted to stick two fingers down   
because i can't deal

and i cant deal  
with the men that look like you  
with the women too  
its scares me sometimes  
just how angry i can get  
it makes me feel   
sick   
theres something stirring in my gut and its not the food i ate on the day we were supposed to be thankful for

it makes me feel like i could strum out a strong powerful cord from an electric guitar and scream and sob and wail into a microphone because even if its fiction like they say thats its not real or hurting anyone we all know its a lie and we all know that people do this

in real life

blight.

like

b light

like light

stop taking the light behind their eyes or so help me

but i'm already going to hell for somebody else, so i'll just wait for the messed up justice system to take care of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about gross people who do bad immoral things to kids
> 
> the title is a quote that comes from the vietnamese movie "Furie" on netfliks
> 
> its almost a collage, patchwork quilt of things ive written over the year. 
> 
> compiled 2020


	9. i don't even know who i am without you, i need to figure it out

destroyer, you're an addict and you could never admit it  
fall to the ground, fall down and break your skull, try it  
you could never  
get better  
go ahead  
three steps  
four steps  
i cant even do basic math but  
i wish you knew how hard it was  
to drag your weight around on my shoulders  
i'm your biggest fan  
im not your prettiest poison  
but you're the prettiest girl at this stupid party and you could prove it with a weak left hook  
try it  
try it i dare you  
make another bet against my life i dare you  
this time you're riding on the losing horse  
you're yelling at the defeated dog  
beating around a corpse  
we tried  
we tried  
we tried  
and it worked for a while  
and then it didn't  
i love you  
i miss you  
so much it hurts  
i used to think i could never be without you  
i used to think you were the only one i really mattered to  
i used to think we could be together forever  
but i dont want to  
but i'd love to  
but i need to figure myself out first  
i need to learn that loving myself isnt a crime  
i need you to know that whatever happens i still care  
youll always matter to me  
you are worth it  
you're a beautiful mess  
and so am i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two people who were in love, and now they aren't together. this is a part of the aftermath, a part of mixed feelings. 
> 
> 2020
> 
> i do love projecting onto ocs 😌😔🤙👊


	10. hail to the rosary

we see her on her bed, like jesus on his cross,

her legs spread and hanging over the edge

she looks bored, flicks her eyes to her desk.

a blue rosary

she sits up

gets off the bed

and hangs the rosary over a cross.

she flickers

and turns the cross 

to the left

forty five degree burns

into her skin

and the rosary still hangs

hanging from a cross over her window

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my dog peed on a light display thing of baby jesus and has peed on at least 3 american flags.
> 
> "he knew what he was doing"  
> \- my bestie
> 
> about a girl  
> 2020


	11. a butcher's promise

a new beginning was the falsest start  
i'm so tired of breaking hearts  
but i did it on the day we were born  
i was supposed to be getting help  
but then i looked and i found a friend  
who has never left the back of my head  
razor sharp  
and just as thin  
shiny parchment and rusty blood  
im so tired of getting up  
desperate for an escape  
this was never supposed to get this far  
my sixteen wishes  
were never answered  
god was in the room  
pulling the strings  
i took that as a sign  
the one i've been looking for all this time  
could've been  
seven on the left and nine on the right  
or seven on the right and nine on the left  
it still adds up to sweet sixteen  
every inch of hair  
every patch of skin  
how many yards does it take to get to the mile  
and then i left  
you on read  
i was more of a ghost than ever  
pale from losing so many hopes  
i thought that i'd never tie the rope  
and i didn't  
and then i said sorry  
and then i spiraled  
and then you cut me off  
and then i thought i'd tie a rope or  
and then i thought i'd down some pills or  
and then you cared till the end  
and then i cried because i knew it would happen eventually  
but i didn't think it would be so  
soon  
magnetic poetic soon  
i can't  
i couldn't  
but here we are and i wish you knew and i wish you saw and i wish for a different time for you  
i wish that you wouldn't have to be caught between two stones and a couple of forks in the road  
and thats a lot of wishes but i'd wish them all for you  
because i promised i'd try and i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try i promised i'd try.

and then there was that day  
in october and then there was that day in november and i hurt you so bad and i never wanted to i never wanted to you have to believe that i never wanted that but i just thought that i'd drag you down and i already said   
that i would go to hell so that you could go to heaven because you deserve no less

i'll smash this guitar over my head  
a million times  
i'll dedicate all the songs i write to you  
i'll invite you down to hell for a few shows  
just know i'll never let you go  
i'll never let you go  
for all the scars we have and the memories we shared  
or a matching tattoo or just a photograph   
all the letters i keep writing and the songs i say are poetry  
and the buzzy cords and scratchy vocals  
in the back of my head or the front of my neck  
it was always you  
and it will always be you

xoxo see you then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> august 2020 sucked but it's 2020 what did i expect
> 
> straight from the heart to the tips of my fingers
> 
> 2020


End file.
